Step Aside Simon Cowell, There's a New Mogul in Town

Originally published in The Groove, November 2007

A Stark View
By Tracey Stark

Step Aside Simon Cowell
There’s a new mogul in town


I am writing today to announce my retirement from writing. Simply stated, writers don’t make jack unless they are among the likes of Stephen King, Danielle Steele or Dr. Seuss. Or else they need to have a PhD after their name. I, unfortunately, am none of these people and only have a humble bachelor’s degree in communications.

So what, you may be asking this page out loud (much to the consternation of fellow subway riders), do I plan to do? In the history of the world, there have been only two surefire get-rich-quick schemes. The first one is to start your own religion.

Since I am no fan of organized religion (think the Spanish Inquisition, The Crusades and The Osmond Family), my choice is simple: I am going to form and manage a pop band.

Since the days of New Kids on the Block, these groups have proven to be cash cows for anyone who can assemble four or five diverse, yet good-looking young people and foist them on the masses of teenagers who have an estimated $10 gazillion to spend on music, strange looking clothing and 50-gallon drums of hair gel.

My plan is thus: I will hold auditions to fill the roles of chubby-but-cute guy, tough guy, best friend’s older brother, sexy guy and jokester. At the same time, in order to hedge my bets, I am going to hold auditions for sexy girl, sporty girl, best friend’s sister, #2 sexy girl and girl who has big eyes and resembles an anime character. I think that about covers it.

The next most important thing to do is to come up with a catchy, yet inane name, along the lines of Korea’s “Super Junior” or the all-girl “Wonder Girls.” Here are a few of the names I came up with by randomly opening a dictionary twice and pointing to the page: “Quirky Box,” “Significant Testes,” “Nuclear Nozzle” and “Ohio Cabbage.”

Once these issues are settled, the bands will need songs. As a writer, I can probably whip up some catchy tunes with the help of a bottle of Cuervo and a few Milli Vanilli albums. In fact, I just came up with the opening lines to Ohio Cabbage’s first single Ooh ooh, red bean love: “I been lookin’ for a boy like you, one who will be true, red bean lover…” Catchy, no?

As you can see, these things will take care of themselves. Beyond casting, naming the groups and writing the songs, the next issue to tackle will be choreography. To save time and money I will engage in the time-honored Korean tradition called “benchmarking.” This would involve downloading a bunch of music videos from current and former pop sensations and then having my kids copy the moves. Why spend money on professionals when these other groups already have?

Lastly, but most importantly, is creating buzz. My pop idols will spend several hours a day in a sweat shop-like environment talking themselves up under various pseudonyms on websites like Naver and Daum. They will cross-promote each other by talking about how “sexy Ji-won from Nuclear Nozzle is” and how “great a dancer Mi-jeong from Quirky Box is.” This will snowball until every teenager is talking about these bands, despite never having seen or heard them.

Finally, after a single is cut and palms are greased in order to get significant radio play, they will be ready for their stage debut. The spotlights of the World Cup Stadium will shine down on the stage, the fireworks will explode, the music will rise and the five members of Significant Testes will skip onto the stage dancing and lip-synching their way into the hearts and wallets of tens of thousands of Korean girls who will be waving inflatable phalluses bearing their likeness.

This formula is airtight, a “slam dunk” if you will. I’ll give it a month and if it doesn’t work out, you may very well see A Stark View in December. Until then, remember: “Significant Testes ROCK!”